over the river and through the woods,
to grandmothers house we go...

Unfortunately, we can’t stay; we have to be at Nana’s by dusk for dessert. Tomorrow we head to Aunt Sally’s for brunch. Then, we’ll have dinner at Uncle Harry’s and hopefully see Grandpa Jack while we’re there.

Not quite as lyrical as the original song, is it? A hectic holiday schedule can take the melody right out of the music you so desperately try to make for your family each season. It’s difficult enough to coordinate the calendars of two merged-in-marriage yet distinctly different families. It’s even tougher if you have to factor in child custody parameters, divorced and remarried grandparents, and diverse interfaith celebrations. No wonder holiday visits are maddening for so many in Fairfield County.

“From November until after New Year’s Day, it seems like it is one big shuffle,” says Wilton resident Suzanne Hill. With family members scattered all over the Northeast, in Boston and Maryland and nearly everywhere in between, the Hills are involved in a real taffy pull. “Everyone wants to, and demands to, see everybody one way or another,” says Suzanne.

Illustration By: Antonio Martins

So how do you make time for everyone without feeling pushed and pulled? It’s doable...it just takes a little soulful introspection, managed expectations, and a whole lot of advance planning.

Soulful Introspection
Why do we drive ourselves crazy trying to see everyone we know and are related to during the holidays? Many of the people we’re eager to include aren’t even on our radar the rest of the year. We’re filled with good intentions and well wishes and recognize that being with family and seeing close friends matters, especially this time of year. The problem is, realistically, we can’t please everyone and please ourselves at the same time.

“You’re going to disappoint someone unless you’re running yourself ragged,” says Kathy Caprino, psychotherapist, personal and professional coach, and co-founder of Living in Harmony LLC, The Center for Emotional Health in Westport. The key, Caprino explains, is to identify what you really value, what you think is best for you and your family, and find the courage to stand up for that.

Suzanne Hill and her husband, Chris, think it is best that they do most of the schlepping in their family circle. Theirs is the most mobile family in the bunch, as 10-year-old Jameson is their only child. However, they put their foot down when it comes to the one thing that truly is important to them: “We’ve always made sure Jameson wakes up on Christmas morning in his own bed in his own house. We stand solid on that,” says Mrs. Hill. Decisions like that take courage, but the payoff is great.

Illustration By: Antonio Martins

Fairfield residents Susan and Kris Ciccarelli do a lot of visiting during the holidays as well, with their two kids, 10-year-old Nicole and 8-year-old Joseph in tow. This year they’ll start the weekend before Thanksgiving with a trip to New Jersey and end only after a trip to Long Island the day after Christmas. (In the past, however, they’ve spent quiet Thanksgivings at home with their family of four, having seen family members on alternate dates.) One way they avoid traveling on the day they consider most important—Christmas Day—is by hosting a large meal in their home. Says Susan: “It’s at my house Christmas Day, that’s just the way it is. I extend an invitation to everyone in my family, ‘I’m at my house, if you’d like to come, by all means come.’” There have been years where they’ve had Susan’s whole family and both of Kris’ parents and stepparents over—but they make it work because it is what they want for that day.

Do the Ciccarellis want to head to Long Island the very next day to see people that aren’t in their immediate family? Not necessarily. But upon reflection, Susan realizes how important it is that they go. “Even if it isn’t ideal, we go because they are really wonderful people. It is important to them. We have become a part of their family. So we go.”

Wilton resident Helen Stauderman has three children and two grandchildren—and siblings of her own—to consider during the holidays. That makes for a whirlwind time of year. Helen hosts her entire family on Thanksgiving (“I guess I do a good turkey,” she says), then celebrates her husband’s birthday and their wedding anniversary, followed by Christmas and her grandson’s birthday all by December 31. By the time the new year rolls around, she and her husband “can hardly wait to take a nap,” says Helen, “but we look forward to it every year.” Helen believes that the whole point of the holidays is to show that you care about each other… and visiting those we love is one way to do just that.

Fairfield resident Priscilla Christianson agrees. She has three children and eight grandchildren, and feels fortunate to have them around during the holidays. “Time is very precious. The older you get, the more you realize we are not here forever. You can have something happen to any of us at anytime,” says Priscilla.

“Going a little out of your way for family and friends pays off in the end,” says Fairfield resident Dina Epstein. Dina and her husband Stephen are an interfaith family, a positive when it comes to determining with whom to spend holiday gatherings. Hanukkah celebrations are spent with Steve’s side of the family and Christmas is spent with Dina’s side. As for Thanksgiving, everyone comes to them. “We have turkey, stuffing, squash, sweet potatoes,” says Dina. “It only gets complicated when Steve’s grandmother comes and I have to make a Kosher turkey.”

Hectic Holidays: Heading over the River or Over the Edge?

Managed Expectations
In our quest to make the most of the time we do have during the holidays, we often try to squeeze everyone in...but often that just isn’t realistic. Chuck Berke, a Fairfield-based licensed marriage and family therapist and executive coach, says, “There is a lot of stuff under the heading of what we have to do that probably doesn’t belong there.” We need to purposely stop, think, and challenge our assumptions, he explains. Let go of our expectations and make some new decisions—decisions that might not please everyone, but will be pleasing to us if we gain conviction in our personal choices. “Ask yourself: what is it that you truly want to do?” he says. “And what things can you offload from yourself?”

Illustration By: Antonio Martins

“You don’t have to make all the cookies, cook all the meals,” says Helen Stauderman. “I’m not obsessing about trying to make everything perfect” She believes that if you’re stressed, then the people around you are not going to have a good time. When their Christmas Eve gathering grew too big for her to manage without added stress, she and her husband Dan broke an old tradition and started taking their entire clan out for a gala dinner at St. Tropez in Fairfield. “You don’t want to spend all your time running around and not enjoying it.”

Helen also manages her expectations for her children’s visits: “You can’t say you will do things my way if you want to keep people close. I’m very careful about not insisting that anybody show up here for Christmas. I think it is important for everybody’s families to make their own traditions. You have to be open to people wanting to do things differently.”

If things are different...that’s okay. “At holiday time, often people try to heal the wounds of the past or recreate what they had as a child,” says Caprino. But new memories are made all the time and they are made spontaneously; they don’t need to be created. Instead of trying to recreate your childhood memories, explains Caprino, think about what would be fun for you and your family, what would create positive memories that will last.


Advance Planning
No matter what you or your family members want, wishes have to be communicated and plans have to be made, often way in advance. “You have to plan out what you want to do and how much time you want to devote to it,” says Priscilla Christianson. She starts thinking about her holiday schedule in October of each year.
Susan Ciccarelli does the same. “I start to do the legwork in September or October,” says Susan. “I send out an email, tell everyone to take a look at their schedule, see who’s around.” Susan has learned, over time, that this is the best way to handle things in her family. “I know what I want to do to accommodate my immediate family, my husband, and my children.”

Your own personal needs shouldn’t be overlooked when making plans, Berke advises: “Things that people generally do to take care of themselves, at this time of year, are the first things to go. You need to keep up your mental health. Schedule in the things that are important to you; they are as important as anything else you are going to do. Yoga, the gym, meditating, reading a book, or talking to a friend…whatever it is you do for yourself, do not give that up.”

Illustration By: Antonio Martins

“We forget that we need time for ourselves, to rejuvenate,” says Caprino. She suggests anything restorative: taking a walk, an aromatic bubble bath, a drive while listening to music. “Anything that centers you and fills you up.”

The Christiansons make a point of including time with friends. “We go to a concert, out to dinner or a movie...something to look forward to,” says Priscilla. They also schedule a bona fide retreat after Christmas—a four-day stay at the Mayflower Inn.

“The most important thing to remember [when making your plans] is that the days will come and go, and if it isn’t perfect, that’s okay. The most important thing is to enjoy the people around you and enjoy the fact that they are with you,” says Helen Stauderman.

Remember, even Charlie Brown was torn between celebrating Thanksgiving with his friends and his family’s traditional trip to his grandmother’s condominium. But even Chuck found a solution in the end. And with advance planning, managed expectations, and some soulful introspection...the wind won’t sting the toes or bite the nose as over the ground we go.