Managed Expectations
In our quest to make the most of the time we do have during the holidays, we often try to squeeze everyone in...but often that just isn’t realistic. Chuck Berke, a Fairfield-based licensed marriage and family therapist and executive coach, says, “There is a lot of stuff under the heading of what we have to do that probably doesn’t belong there.” We need to purposely stop, think, and challenge our assumptions, he explains. Let go of our expectations and make some new decisions—decisions that might not please everyone, but will be pleasing to us if we gain conviction in our personal choices. “Ask yourself: what is it that you truly want to do?” he says. “And what things can you offload from yourself?”

Illustration By: Antonio Martins

“You don’t have to make all the cookies, cook all the meals,” says Helen Stauderman. “I’m not obsessing about trying to make everything perfect” She believes that if you’re stressed, then the people around you are not going to have a good time. When their Christmas Eve gathering grew too big for her to manage without added stress, she and her husband Dan broke an old tradition and started taking their entire clan out for a gala dinner at St. Tropez in Fairfield. “You don’t want to spend all your time running around and not enjoying it.”

Helen also manages her expectations for her children’s visits: “You can’t say you will do things my way if you want to keep people close. I’m very careful about not insisting that anybody show up here for Christmas. I think it is important for everybody’s families to make their own traditions. You have to be open to people wanting to do things differently.”

If things are different...that’s okay. “At holiday time, often people try to heal the wounds of the past or recreate what they had as a child,” says Caprino. But new memories are made all the time and they are made spontaneously; they don’t need to be created. Instead of trying to recreate your childhood memories, explains Caprino, think about what would be fun for you and your family, what would create positive memories that will last.


Advance Planning
No matter what you or your family members want, wishes have to be communicated and plans have to be made, often way in advance. “You have to plan out what you want to do and how much time you want to devote to it,” says Priscilla Christianson. She starts thinking about her holiday schedule in October of each year.
Susan Ciccarelli does the same. “I start to do the legwork in September or October,” says Susan. “I send out an email, tell everyone to take a look at their schedule, see who’s around.” Susan has learned, over time, that this is the best way to handle things in her family. “I know what I want to do to accommodate my immediate family, my husband, and my children.”

Your own personal needs shouldn’t be overlooked when making plans, Berke advises: “Things that people generally do to take care of themselves, at this time of year, are the first things to go. You need to keep up your mental health. Schedule in the things that are important to you; they are as important as anything else you are going to do. Yoga, the gym, meditating, reading a book, or talking to a friend…whatever it is you do for yourself, do not give that up.”

Illustration By: Antonio Martins

“We forget that we need time for ourselves, to rejuvenate,” says Caprino. She suggests anything restorative: taking a walk, an aromatic bubble bath, a drive while listening to music. “Anything that centers you and fills you up.”

The Christiansons make a point of including time with friends. “We go to a concert, out to dinner or a movie...something to look forward to,” says Priscilla. They also schedule a bona fide retreat after Christmas—a four-day stay at the Mayflower Inn.

“The most important thing to remember [when making your plans] is that the days will come and go, and if it isn’t perfect, that’s okay. The most important thing is to enjoy the people around you and enjoy the fact that they are with you,” says Helen Stauderman.

Remember, even Charlie Brown was torn between celebrating Thanksgiving with his friends and his family’s traditional trip to his grandmother’s condominium. But even Chuck found a solution in the end. And with advance planning, managed expectations, and some soulful introspection...the wind won’t sting the toes or bite the nose as over the ground we go.